When Hearts Were Spoken in Whispers (Courtship and Marriage Customs in Old Besao)

When Hearts Were Spoken in Whispers

(Courtship and Marriage Customs in Old Besao)

By Ginawang | The Besao B/Vlogger

There is a particular kind of silence that only the mountains of Besao know. It settles over the terraced fields at dusk, carrying the scent of pine resin and cool earth. In that silence, the elders say, one can almost hear the echoes of songs once sung by young men and women as they navigated the delicate paths of courtship. These songs were more than entertainment. They were expressions of affection, tests of character, and public declarations of intent within a society that understood marriage as a matter not only of the heart but also of family and community.

The story of courtship and marriage among the i-Besao is therefore not merely a story about romance. It is a story about kinship, responsibility, and the ways a community helped guide young people toward adulthood.

The Ebgan and Youth Social Life

Before formal marriage discussions ever took place, young people had opportunities to become acquainted through the social institutions of their community. Among the customs remembered in Besao is the ebgan, a dormitory or gathering place associated with unmarried young women. Oral traditions and accounts from the Cordillera describe such institutions as spaces where young women spent evenings together, learned domestic skills, shared stories, and participated in the social life of the village.

Young men could visit during appropriate hours, and it was through these supervised social interactions that many courtships began. Conversation, humor, singing, and storytelling allowed young people to observe one another's character and conduct. These interactions were not hidden from the community. Families and elders were generally aware of developing relationships, and such awareness helped ensure accountability and propriety.

While youth dormitory systems varied among different Cordillera communities, the ebgan remains one of the most frequently remembered institutions associated with traditional courtship in Besao.

Singing as a Language of Courtship

Music occupied an important place in Kankanaey social life. Among the forms of traditional expression associated with courtship was the uggayam, a style of poetic singing through which emotions, admiration, and personal sentiments could be conveyed.

A young person skilled in composing and singing verses demonstrated not only artistic ability but also intelligence, wit, and emotional maturity. Through song, affection could be expressed respectfully and publicly. Responses through song or conversation allowed both parties to signal interest while remaining within accepted social norms.

Communal singing traditions, including forms of poetic exchange found throughout Kankanaey society, also provided opportunities for young people to display their talents during feasts and gatherings. In a culture that valued eloquence and cultural knowledge, the ability to sing well could enhance a person's reputation.

A song sung during courtship was more than music. It was a meaningful expression of intention heard and understood by the wider community.

Family Involvement and Marriage Negotiations

When a relationship became serious, the matter gradually shifted from the individuals involved to their families. Marriage was rarely viewed as a purely private decision. Parents, elders, and close relatives played important roles in evaluating a proposed union.

Customary practice often involved preliminary discussions between families. Respected relatives or elders might discreetly approach the other household to determine whether a formal proposal would be welcomed. Such indirect approaches helped preserve dignity and avoid unnecessary embarrassment should the proposal be declined.

During these discussions, families considered many factors, including reputation, work ethic, kinship relationships, and compatibility between the two households. Like many indigenous societies, the Kankanaey observed customary rules regarding marriage between close relatives.

If discussions progressed favorably, visits between the families became more formal. Food, rice wine, betel nut, and other gifts were commonly shared as signs of goodwill and sincerity. These exchanges symbolized mutual respect and the willingness of both families to establish lasting ties.

Marriage Exchanges and Community Agreements

Traditional Kankanaey marriages often involved exchanges of valuables between families. These exchanges were not understood as the purchase of a bride. Rather, they represented recognition of family obligations and the creation of reciprocal relationships between kin groups.

The items exchanged varied according to local custom, family status, and available resources. Livestock, heirloom jars, woven blankets, metal ornaments, and other valuables could form part of these arrangements. Such exchanges reinforced the seriousness of the marriage and the responsibilities assumed by both families.

Community elders frequently participated in discussions and witnessed agreements. In societies where oral agreements carried great weight, the presence of respected witnesses helped ensure that commitments would be honored.

The Wedding Ceremony

Traditional weddings in Besao were community events rather than private ceremonies. Relatives, neighbors, and friends gathered to celebrate the union and affirm the relationship between the two families.

Ritual specialists known as mambunong often played important roles in ceremonies connected with major life events. Through prayers, invocations, and customary rituals, blessings were sought for the health, prosperity, and harmony of the newly married couple.

Feasting formed an essential part of the celebration. Rice wine, meat dishes, and other traditional foods were shared among guests. Singing, storytelling, and communal fellowship strengthened social bonds and transformed the wedding into an occasion for the entire community.

The participation of elders was especially important. They preserved ceremonial knowledge, guided the proceedings, and ensured that customary practices were properly observed.

What These Customs Teach Us

Looking back on these traditions today, what stands out is not their distance from modern life but their understanding of human relationships. The customs of courtship and marriage in Besao sought to balance personal choice with family responsibility and community wellbeing.

The ebgan provided opportunities for social interaction within a framework of communal guidance. Traditional songs allowed affection to be expressed with creativity and dignity. Family negotiations encouraged careful consideration of marriage as a lifelong commitment. Rituals and celebrations reminded everyone that a marriage joined not only two individuals but also two networks of kinship and support.

These customs were neither simple nor primitive. They were sophisticated social institutions developed through generations of experience in mountain communities where cooperation and mutual responsibility were essential to survival.

The world of today's young people is very different from that of their ancestors. Yet many of the values embedded within these traditions remain relevant. Respect for family, thoughtful commitment, community support, and the understanding that love carries responsibility continue to offer lessons worth remembering.

In the mountains of Besao, the old songs may no longer be heard as often as before, but the wisdom they carried still echoes through the generations.

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